i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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