i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
