i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
