So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Randomize