By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize