I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
