My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
