Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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