I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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