I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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