I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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