Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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