I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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