Your face is a jimmy john
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize