For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
