How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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