My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
