He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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