My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
