Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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