the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
