I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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