I think I died a long time ago.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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