i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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