i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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