Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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