The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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