Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
