Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
