You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
