They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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