I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
false alarm. still invincible.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
