saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
