You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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