sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
