Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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