i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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