walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
