hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
