I could make wine with my vomit
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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