My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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