i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
this just has baby written all over it
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
