Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
