Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize