you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
