Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
