i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
the liver wants what the liver wants
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
