I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
