I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize