Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
