My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
