You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
