Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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