Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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