Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i believe in u and ur pee
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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