I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
