I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
